It’s scary, letting go.
Today I am in a relationship with 3 women. Tomorrow I may be in a relationship with none of them. It’s a little intimidating scary as all fucking hell.
Since the big fight with #3, things haven’t quite been the same. She’s no longer sure what she wants, and so I’m not sure where things are going.
Discussing things with #2 last night, neither of us is currently very happy with the way things are, and we’ve both been unhappy trying to make each other happy. Now we’re each going to try to make ourselves happy, and see if that works any better. And nobody really knows what this means.
Also in last night’s discussion was #1, who is also unhappy, but primarily because #2 is unhappy. She’s not very emotive, but I suspect that if things go south with #2, then things will also go south with #1.
It could all go very badly. Or it could all go very well. The only certainty in life is that I will always have myself, and so I must make myself happy. I must be happy with myself. But after 21 years of never being alone, 6 years of having a polyfi family, and 2 years of having 3 loving relationships, the idea that it could all fall apart in the near future is unfathomably frightening.
And I just keep hearing George Michael’s “Freedom” in my head… And Shakespeare:
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Howling at the moon. 
I wish you the very best of good fortune, however the relationship troubles are solved. We all go through rough spots, here is hoping you and yours come out better on the other side. (Whatever “better” may mean.)
It seems it’s that time for a lot of people. Hubby’s secondary left him last week. Unfortunately in not wanting to cause confrontation she blamed it on me and my supposed insecurities. Because I brought up a few things that needed to change in my marriage (none of which involved her) and she felt that her needs weren’t being met she decided I was upset because of her presence. For three days he blamed me before he actually talked to her for a few hours. I don’t know what the conversation entailed, but for some reason I was absolved.
I hope things work out for you. *hugs* It’s never easy.
I’m in a similar situation presently too, and I agree with the “scary as hell” sentiment. I hope things work out best for all of you.
Shit, I gotta add to it, too. My #2 and I broke up last night, after a year and a half. It’s brought up all these feelings of “what if I lost # 1 ??? which just aint gonna happen. . . but the thoughts are still there.
I’m sorry this is a tumultuous time, for apparently everyone. It will all work out how it’s meant to though. I know that much.
xo
It sounds very scary indeed. *hugs* Thinking of you!