There are more of us than you think.

I haven’t written my “About” page yet, so let me start off by saying that I am polyamorous. This is one of the major things I can’t say on my other blog, because while I am perfectly open about this with my friends and even some co-workers or casual acquaintances, some of my lovers are not yet ready for their families to know. And some of them (such as my sister-in-law) practically stalk me on Facebook.

So I was thinking about writing this blog post yesterday, talking about how polyamory almost seems mainstream. I never did find the right words for it, but today I ran across this article from Polyamory in the News, about a Canadian TV show covering the growing popularity/awareness of poly. They give an estimate that 1% of the population is poly. I think that may actually be low, but it’s still an impressive number of people.

My own “family”, such as it is, currently contains 10 adults who, among them, have 10 children. This is not to mention the 3 adults who have stopped being a part of my family. I also know that one of my friends is part of a closeted triad. I recently discovered that a married couple I know are actually swingers (which some would argue is poly as strongly as other would argue against it). I’ve also been acquainted with two other poly groups, the exact sizes of which I’m not certain, but I can count a minimum of 23 adults involved in poly relationships in my general area, and that’s without touching people whom I know only through the local poly community.

The thing is: a closeted poly is indistinguishable from a monogamous person; even more so than a closeted homosexual is indistinguishable from a heterosexual, because there really is no tell-tale difference at all.

Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship
(Atwood & Schwartz, 2002 – Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy)

So if we removed “open and honest” from the definition of polyamory, we could easily say that >50% of the population is poly. Of course, that’s exactly why we include words like “open”, “honest”, and “consent” in our definitions of what poly is. We’re the ones having extra-relationship (we’re not all married!) sex without cheating. 🙂

Post and comments moved to new blog


~ by polywolf on 2009/10/21.

2 Responses to “There are more of us than you think.”

  1. We’re your neighbors, your check-out girls, your therapists, your teachers, your siblings, your friends … but you might not know it because we won’t tell you. So sleep with one eye open because we’re out to steal your girlfriend and we’re EVERYWHERE!

    “I’m a polyamorist. They look just like everybody else” – paraphrased from Adam’s Family

    Seriously, though, yes, you can’t tell us apart from monogamists if we don’t say anything about it, so you can know us without ever knowing that you know us. But what *sets* us apart is the honesty.

  2. Happened upon your blog. ..

    Just wanted to say that I don’t think you can equate “cheating” with “poly.” You, as a poly person, know that to be truly poly you have to be honest. . .because any nimrod can have a wild night and cheat on their partner, but to be poly comes with the dedication and trust required to be honest about it with their partners.

    Now, that’s not to say that >50% of the population WISHES they could be poly 🙂

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