Is the problem really polyamory?

One of the worst things about polyamory is that there will be times when your partner just isn’t available to you because she’s with another partner. It’s needy and selfish, but it really kinda sucks. I don’t mind that she’s with another man. I don’t really care what she’s doing with him, except to hope that she’s enjoying it. But I’m having a bad Monday at work, and she’s the one partner I can usually count on to be available to talk to me when I need somebody to talk to, and I can’t talk to her. Well… technically I could, but that would be rude of me, unless it was genuinely important, which it isn’t. He’s only in town for about 24 more hours, so I don’t begrudge him some quality time with her while he’s here. I just wish I had somebody to bitch to about my shitty Monday. But if it wasn’t for poly, I wouldn’t have this problem.


This isn’t one of the worst things about poly. It’s not even really about poly at all. My #3 is “unavailable” to me right now because she’s with her #2, but my #1 is unavailable to me right now (as she usually is) because of the constraints of her job, and my #2 is unavailable as well; possibly because she hasn’t woken up yet, or possibly just because she’s simply not at her computer. The one partner who is normally available to me while I’m at work is currently unavailable because we are poly, but she’d be unavailable 100% of the time if we weren’t, because I would never have even dated her. Poly is getting a bum rap for being the source of the problem, but really the problem exists for everybody. Poly people just have more partners, and so the problem of unavailability can happen more often (today I have 3 unavailable partners, while most folks never have more than 1) and in more ways (unavailable due to work, unavailable due to sleep, unavailable due to getting hot and sweaty with somebody else). Also, and I think this is key, poly people can get to be really fucking spoiled. Because I typically have not 1, but 3 different partners to draw upon when I want or need something, it hits me a little harder on those rare occassions when I don’t have anybody available. But it’s not poly to blame, it’s my sense of entitlement.

Time to suck it up and get back to work. Lunch break’s over. I hope they’re having some fun. 🙂


~ by polywolf on 2009/11/02.

3 Responses to “Is the problem really polyamory?”

  1. That’s when I say “that’s not a poly problem, that’s a people problem!”

  2. My primary and I were joking about this not too long ago. Boyfriend had the day off and was in a cuddly mood. I was at work. His boyfriend was out of town. When I got home, Boyfriend was feeling sulky. He got better.

  3. Wow that statement, “It’s not poly to blame, it’s my sense of entitlement,” hit me where I live. I may have to write that on my hand to refer back to when I am in one of those “it’s all about me” pissy moods.

    I agree with you though–it isn’t poly as such to blame. These issues are simply part of life, poly or not. It’s just easier for the not-poly (and for ourselves, at times) to point to poly as the culprit.

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