That’s it; show’s over.

Pretty much right after I started this blog (I consider the official start date to be Dec. 1st), my relationship with C hit the rocks. Drama-central. Long story short, I tried like hell to save the relationship, tried everything I could think of, offered to do anything it took (to the response of “I don’t know”)…
The final straw was… well… complicated. There’s many pieces:
C and D violated the fluid bond agreement established by A and B, who do not accept condoms as a safe alternative to getting new partners tested. Of course, C was never told she couldn’t have sex with D, just that she needed to tell me if she did so I could stop having sex with her.
Well… she never told me. Possibly because we “stopped having sex” as a result of her complaint that it seemed to her like I was “just there for the sex”. Well, apparently as soon as I stopped, she started with D. Then there was the one night where she initiated play with me, and things went further than she anticipated (because, duh, she got me all worked up then rolled over and said “OK, I’m done”.)
So at some point D mentions to B “we are being safe and using condoms”… Huh? Well, we never actually had a chance to talk to him to go over the rules, but C was supposed to have….
B confronts C, who says “no, we aren’t having sex”.
I confront D, who says “yes, we are”.
C throws a conniption because “I don’t trust her”.
B throws a conniption because “C lied to her” (which I don’t know for certain, but believe is true).
I refuse to leave C because, honestly, B is prone to hearing things that aren’t said, and not hearing things that are said. There’s a reasonable doubt that this is all just a misunderstanding.
A and B both want to talk to C and settle things so that they can stop being angry.
C declines
C invites us all out to dinner, but declines to have a discussion, so A and be decline to go, which results in C phoning me, wherein the first words out of her mouth after I say “hello” are “fuck you”. She then proceeds to lay into ME for A and B wanting to talk things over with her. Tells me we are NEVER having sex again, and swears to me that the one time we had sex after she started with D was all my fault because she was asleep when it happened (bullshit!)

Sigh.

So, it’s over. I’ll miss the good sex. I’ll miss the passion. I already miss the rituals we shared. Some day I’m sure I’ll even miss her, as soon as I’m done being pissed. I just hope she regains her sanity some day, because that seems to be gone. I worry about D. He’s in a rough spot right now. Or maybe not. Maybe she’s lying to him about what’s happening, and I’m sure he’s buying into whatever she sells him…

For the time being, things are slightly better between myself and A and B. On one hand, I’m pleased with that and hope the upward trend continues. On the other hand I’m kind of pissed that it took C leaving me for this to happen. I’m worried that when some time passes, things will go back to where they were. And if that happens, I may lose some more.

Moving out.

Cue the Billy Joel music, I’m outta here. The entire contents of this blog has now been moved to http://polyamorwolf.wordpress.com/ for the sake of keeping a consistent online name across all services (on most of which a “polywolf” already exists). If you subscribe to this blog’s feed, you need to change your subscription to the new blog. This is the last post I’ll make here.

Long overdue update.

First off, I’ve decided that the number system I’ve been using is a tad confusing. I’ll eventually go back and edit all previous posts, but from here on I will start calling the folks in my core family by initials:
#1 == A
#2 == B
#3 == C
#3’s #2 == D

So we can diagram it like this (and hope the formatting works)

A--Me--B
   |
   C--D

I know my last post was about “letting go”, but it really took until this past week to let go of C, to stop basing my happiness almost entirely on the condition of our relationship, and to just say “If we can work things out, fantastic; if we can’t, I happy to have had her in my life for a couple years.”  Making this move has done a lot to improve my mental health and happiness, and (I think) hers as well. She needs some time and space to heal herself, to stop being angry, and to remember why she loved me in the first place and how happy we used to be. I saw her last night, in a friendly capacity (dinner with A, B, C, and C’s kids), and when I sent her my daily morning text, I got a “love you too”, which hasn’t happened in a number of days, so I think we can maybe salvage things still. D has been fantastic in supporting me, trying to mediate things between C and I. He could more easily do nothing, or even say things that would convince her to end it, and then have her all to himself. It’s a testament to his character, and I’m proud to have him as my boyfriend-in-law.

Things are still going up and down with B, but the general trend is upward, and the ups are longer than the downs are, though I’m now fighting for her attention with an online addiction.

Need to work on the relationship with A. She’s been having a bit of an attitude lately, and it seems that the cause behind it is that she’s feeling neglected, and unhappy that we no longer share very many interests. When we met some 21 years ago, nearly all of our interests were shared, but we’ve been growing apart and each of us has new interests that the other does not share. I try to do things with her for the sake of doing things with her, but that just leaves her feeling guilty that she’s “making” me do something I don’t really want to do. Catch 22.

That’s it in a nutshell. Busy life lately, and starting to suffer from Winter’s grip. I always lose motivation to do things this time of year…

It’s scary, letting go.

Today I am in a relationship with 3 women. Tomorrow I may be in a relationship with none of them. It’s a little intimidating scary as all fucking hell.
Since the big fight with #3, things haven’t quite been the same. She’s no longer sure what she wants, and so I’m not sure where things are going.
Discussing things with #2 last night, neither of us is currently very happy with the way things are, and we’ve both been unhappy trying to make each other happy. Now we’re each going to try to make ourselves happy, and see if that works any better. And nobody really knows what this means. 
Also in last night’s discussion was #1, who is also unhappy, but primarily because #2 is unhappy. She’s not very emotive, but I suspect that if things go south with #2, then things will also go south with #1.
It could all go very badly. Or it could all go very well. The only certainty in life is that I will always have myself, and so I must make myself happy. I must be happy with myself. But after 21 years of never being alone, 6 years of having a polyfi family, and 2 years of having 3 loving relationships, the idea that it could all fall apart in the near future is unfathomably frightening.

And I just keep hearing George Michael’s “Freedom” in my head… And Shakespeare:

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

It takes two, baby.

Doesn’t do you any good to talk if the person you’re talking to won’t listen.
Doesn’t do you any good to listen if the person you’re listening to won’t talk.
If you don’t share your pain, you can’t lessen it.
If you “share” your pain by inflicting pain on those who care about you, you will only multiply your own.

Vive la difference… or not.

Sometimes differences can be extremely enjoyable, like sweet and sour sauce. Sometimes they work great as a team, like “good cop, bad cop”. Sometimes they’re just annoying, like a morning person and a night owl cohabitating. I’ve discovered a difference that’s painful, and potentially relationship-ending.

When I’m upset, I want attention. I get downright pissy if I am ignored (or feel I am being ignored) when I am upset. Likewise, when somebody I love is upset, I’m right there for them, asking what’s wrong, what can I do, and just generally trying to comfort them and make the upset go away.
When #3 is upset, she wants space. She doesn’t want to talk about it, she doesn’t even want a comforting touch on the shoulder. She just wants to be left alone until she can get past the major portion of upsetness. She also, apparently, gives space to others when they are upset.
The stage is set…

So she and I had a talk Sunday about what my place is in her life, and where does she see the relationship going in the future. I didn’t get bad answers, but they were… less than perfect. All said and done, I could live with it, and was happier for knowing than being uncertain.
Sunday night we chatted about other things, and I got the feeling that she was setting up space between us, keeping me at a distance. Which feels a bit contradictory to her recent complaint that “it feels like you’re just here for the sex” and “I don’t want somebody who’s just a fuckbuddy”. I don’t want that either. And yet, here’s me trying to get closer, and here’s her pushing me away. I’m feeling like a fuckbuddy.
By Monday, some of what she said had settled, and I had some new questions and concerns. I chatted her up on IM and asked if she would be busy at lunch, because I’d like to talk. No immediate response. A couple hours later she gives me a non-reply of “what do you want to talk about?”. She’s also informed me that her day’s gone downhill since our morning chat, and she’s moody. I decide I don’t need to talk to her at lunch because if she’s in a bad mood, it’ll likely turn into a fight. I offer to listen if she wants to vent about why she’s in a bad mood. She declines. I’m being pushed further away.
She does not talk to me the rest of that day, except to reply to my goodnight text. The next day, she IM’s me to say we’ll talk later, but she has to run out to do a few things, and she logs off before I can reply. At lunch she’s online again, but informs me that she’s not done, and is going to “head back out in a minute”. Fortyfive minutes later, she’s still online, hasn’t headed back out. I get into a snit. “When you’re done avoiding me, let me know.”
Whoa. Wrong thing to say at the wrong time.
Turns out her #2 broke up with her (I got this from him… she never did explain any of why she was upset). Why she wouldn’t tell me this, I have no idea… But now I’m the asshole (in her eyes) for how I’ve behaved, and officially she and I are through, though she was in hysterics at the time, and I am waiting for her to calm down and either discuss things with me or tell me we’re through in a calm frame of mind before I accept it.
And it all boils down to that one difference. Because she felt crowded and harassed, and I felt pushed away and ignored. A little communication on her part could have avoided it all. A little more patience on my part could have made it all a non-issue. Instead, we both mourn.

Beautiful poly moments

It’s #3’s birthday today, and we celebrated on the weekend. One of the things I love about her is that she’s so open about her relationships with her friends, just like I am. Friday night was bar night, and her #2 (who was supposed to be out of town until December) paid her a surprise visit (that began with him arriving in the morning while she was out running errands, and so she came home to find a naked man in her bed).

So one gift that I was working on for her was a sculpted wolf picture frame (3 wolves, representing myself, her, and her #2), and a picture of her #2 and I… which was the tricky part, because no such picture exists. I spent a large chunk of Friday using GIMP to create a picture out of 3 other photos (one for him, one for me, and one for a nice background). Wrapped it up and tagged it as being from both of her guys, and she was extremely happy with it, showing it off to everybody who was there at the time.

Two of her friends came in to the bar late, and missed seeing that gift. They’d met me earlier in the year, but did not know about her #2. I had to leave the party early, and was saying my goodbyes, and her one friend gave her a puzzled look and said, “He’s leaving without you? How are you getting home? You’ve had a lot to drink.”

She replied, “He’s got to go back to his house,” pointing at #2, “He’s taking me home tonight.”

More puzzled look.

“Yes, I’m dating both of them. They’re both good with it.”

 

Two happy poly moments for the price of one:

1. Getting to change people’s perceptions
2. Having somebody else around to take care of one of my loves when I can’t do it myself.

What’s love got to do with it?

This rather cynical question was poised to me today, by one of my loves. The answer, of course, is “Everything”.
Seriously… if it wasn’t for love, would I really bother with the time, energy, and effort of maintaining even a single relationship? Nevermind three! Sure, I might keep one person handy just for sex, but I’m not even sure that’s worth it. I can pleasure myself. It might not be as good as sex, but it’s quicker, cleaner, and I never have to worry about anybody else’s satisfaction. Reduced income would be matched or surpassed by reduced expenses. I have no problem living in a small house or apartment and eating ramen noodles, hot dogs, and mac & cheese. I can find companionship on the internet aplenty. Love is not just a reason, it’s the reason. Without it, I’d just as soon put a bullet in my head. It’s what makes life worth living, the reason I keep a job, and why I put up with bullshit I’d rather not put up with.

It’s also a good Tina Turner song.

By the numbers

When I talk about my partners, and my partners’ partners, I use numbers. This is purely for anonymity’s sake, and should not be confused as any sort of hierarchy within the family. I’ve been meaning to say this for a while for the sake of clarifying, but it suddenly became a whole lot more relevant.

I had a major conflict with #2 this weekend, and it all seems to stem from the idea that #3 is more important to me that she is. This perception stems from the very real fact that I hold the two of them in equal status in my heart, and #2 was expecting that she should hold a higher position because we have been together longer, and live together. Yes, from a practical standpoint, she does hold a position of more importance because we share a house and expenses, but from an emotional vantage point I do not hold her any higher or lower than the others. This displeases her. 😦

In fact, all three of the ladies feel that I should hold #1 highest in my heart. I feel bad for disagreeing, but I do. Would you ask any parent to love the oldest child more than the youngest? Why am I being asked or expected to love one mate more than another based purely on amount of time spent together? I do not understand this.

The same holds true when I refer to #3’s #2. I refer to him as such because I was involved with #3 before him (from my perspective… he is actually an ex of hers from years ago). I do not expect her to accord him a lesser status. Indeed, I suspect he holds a higher status, though that could just be NRE, coupled with the fact that he’s rarely in town, and so when he is in town, his immediate needs outrank most of mine, which can wait until he is gone again.

I just wish I could figure a way to resolve this issue with #2. Her perception that I love #3 more may not be real, but her hurt is. And I cannot fix it by proving she is an equal, she wants to rank higher, and my heart does not work that way. I’ve told #3 I need some time to work on this (without explaining what “this” is, which I think would damage things further), and so I will not see her this week. She was understanding and more than willing to help in any way that I ask. I’m hoping that my doing this helps #2’s peace of mind in some small way. I’m not sure what more I can do.

Discovering jealousy

I used to say that I am not a jealous person. I believed it quite thoroughly. I sent my wife off on a date with a younger man with an impressive physique, and did so with a smile on my face as well as in my heart. So why have I started to feel jealous from time to time these past couple of months?

Well, for starters, my relationship with #3 is less secure than my other two relationships. Not only have we not been together as long (hence the #3 designation), but she is also the one partner I do not share a residence with. So the potential for loss is (or at least seems) greater. But even that doesn’t really explain it, or explain why I am normally very happy for her, and OK with everything, but then I get a flash of jealousy out of the clear blue sky.

Today I think I nailed it down. For most people, sexual contact is a trigger for jealousy. Or intimacy. Or love. For me, none of that triggers jealousy. What triggers my jealousy is unavailability. When I want attention and can’t get it, I get pissy. I short, I’ve realized today how much of a spoiled brat I am. When I want to talk to #3 and she’s unavailable due to the necessities of life, I get pouty. When I want to talk to her and she’s unavailable because she’s with her #2, that translates into feelings of jealousy. But now that I’ve identified it, hopefully I can conquer it.